Wednesday, April 21 2010
As I look back I realize it has been building for some time. There were doubts, physical problems, the inexorable passage of time with its inevitable aging process. All of which added to an increasing feeling of helplessness at times.
But that was not the end. I was experiencing a strange pull, like an outgoing tide that takes all resistance, all doubt, and leaves only a flawed reality -- reduced physical abilities and monetary uncertainties that bloom in the autumn of life.
Saturday all I wanted to do was sleep. There was no feeling left. No desire, no ambition, no expectation. It was not depression. I was suddenly totally neutral. And sleep gathered me in deeply, with heavy dream times not remembered. Clear maybe for a brief instant on waking -- enough to know that primarily it was positive in some way.
Sunday was the same. Both days I was free. No need to set the alarm to be ready for necessary activities. My daughter was busy with her real-estate clients. These two days were totally mine, and I gave myself over to them completely. I did not even turn back the bed covers but slept on top with a light throw over me. And sleep was instantaneous each time I stretched out, no medication needed.
My routine was simple. I woke about 7:00 a.m. took the required glucose reading and prescribed medications, and went right back to sleep. Water was by my bedside and sipped frequently, but deep sleep was never broken for any length of time, only to allay thirst or attend to a bathroom call. Food was not desired. Only water. As if monitored, the phone did not ring, not even a telemarketer call. For these two days the silence and solitude were complete. Drifting through was one paramount thought --- The Tonti Connection.
Although years ago I briefly experienced this consciously, it had become just a memory, just a concept. The term "Connection" had never been added before. Now over and over the words "The Tonti Connection" kept repeating in my mind, as if branded on my forehead. And the one thought that occupied this entire time was that it is up to The Tonti Connection now. I release all to it. I have exhausted myself in living with a belief, a longing for its return, for its reality.
This concept is based entirely on the desperate need of this planet for polarity balance to help Woman overturn the dominance, degradation, and belittlement she has endured for centuries. But to bring about this balance Woman needs help she has not yet received. In spite of some progress, there are not enough women in power positions to create effective changes. Also, unfortunately, some who are in power positions that could make a diffrence have forgotten to express the true nature of woman. So the humanitarian changes that could help woman express all that she is consistently meet obstinate opposition from a patriarchial heritage -- even from her own sex. Each step toward her freedom to be has a high price. Much of the world still sees Woman as the inferior sex, to be exploited, controlled, and repressed.
But I wasn't thinking all of this over this weekend. These are thoughts I've had before. In fact, I wasn't thinking at all. A strange outgoing tide had stripped my emotional shoreline clean. In complete neutrality I was an observer. I saw how completely this connection had always unconsciously existed in my life. And there was always a longing I could not define or fill. I became more aware of times in my life when some unexplained power took over and arranged things for my benefit and protection in the past.
After my divorce in my early thirties I watched as a conscious telepathic connection gradually became a way of life, with wonderful results. Other people did not challenge me. Respect was automaticaly given, even if sometimes grudgingly.
Then I lost it. I know now that I was meant to experience both woman's ancient past connection and the great loss that occurred. I had a vision. A butcher's axe severed a tube of light connecting one soul to another in the solar plexus area, with beautiful, clear light constantly moving between them.
This forceful separation was reenacted within me when telelpathic communications were abruptly canceled. And without this wonderful help, lacking clear discernment of other people's motives and manipulative ways, I was a woman alone --- vulnerable and exposed. Efforts to protect myself only produced an emotional, defensive attitude that accomplished nothing and fostered more resistance.
Time inexorably moved on, and with it youthfulness and its accompanying good looks, both definite assets in a male-controlled society for man is a visual responder. And without an impressive amount of the world's other acceptable power base I was theoretically confined to a social ice floe to float to a lonely and unheralded death.
Then suddenly it became crystal clear. This information had to wait until woman was utterly weary of her ignorance and man's in the way they relate to each other. That now is the time to "speak" The Tonti Connection! The time for Woman to take back her power in a quiet, mystical way. To silently and wisely reconnect inwardly with her spiritual mate, the other half of her total being.
Then --- outwardly calm and completely fearless --- her very Presence will command instinctive respect, especially from men without them even knowing why they automatically respond this way. Is this what man unconsciously desires from woman and is waiting for?
I've seen it happen. It happened to me. I had this connection! I know it works! I also know what it is like to be without it. So now I reclaim it, not only for myself but for every woman, regardless of her present situation.
The rest of the week I moved through its requirements automatically. A strange neutrality stayed. The emotional ups and down I'd experienced before were gone. I released everything to The Tonti Connection.
After so many years I finally understood. This powerful concept could not be revealed until women, myself included, reached the point where we are ready to once more honor ourselves. To express the creation we are and re-establish this ancient connection once more on earth.
* * *